Balbir Krishan has struggled over the years to bring to fore his extraordinary art. He fought the society that outcasts almost everyone who is a slight divergent. He has put up a fight with the challenges that life made him face and has emerged victorious.

The OpenHaus team gets up, close and personal with the shy artist Balbir Krishan.

Your journey, from the beginning

I come from a very small place named Bijrol, in Baghpet district of Uttar Pradesh. It would be needless to mention how conservative the families are in the hinterland India. By caste I am a jat, which means all the more rules and regulations. You are not allowed to love and also not allowed to take your decisions. The society is predominantly patriarchal and any decision that requires a social nod has to stand the test of society. Every family with male child has one dream and they are pretty determined to have it achieved given any situation. The son has to get a government job that enables him to draw good money and along with it a good wife who takes care of the family. They have certain parameters, dos and don’ts that you can never dodge. Fortunately, I am the most loved kid of my family; anything I ever desired was there for me. But, unfortunately I could not fit into their set divisions. I never found myself comfortable with normal things. It was stark what I saw around and what I was experiencing. I was unusual in all regards. My habits were different; I did not take interest in things kids of my age were interested in. It generally happens that when you tend to be different you are asked to hide under layers of intolerable veils. You live a dual life. You live with questions, confusions and frustrations. I too did that, lived a major part of my life confounded.

When I was in my teens, I discovered some disturbing facts about myself. I realized that opposite sex did not attract my attention. When I was with my friends I tried to pretend that all is fine and I could look and ogle at girls. I knew deep within that this is not me. As if that was not enough I soon found out I easily developed feelings for boys. That I knew was the end of a so-called ‘straight’ life for me. I cut myself from the rest of the world fearing they would ostracize me once they found out my anomalies. I had no friends, no one to share my problems with. I believe we find small victories even during most traumatic times. I had mine. During navratra festival, people worship idols of Goddess Durga. I started making small idols for entire village. That was the time when I had people around, when people would really care about me and make me feel important. I used to feel so wanted during those nine days of festival. I never charged a penny for my work.  Things that involved creativity and precision gave me immense satisfaction, peace and confidence.

Brush with ball pen and love

Soon, I started doing miniature paintings with ball pen.  My notebooks filled with my imaginative paintings. I was under tremendous familial pressure. I had to complete collegiate and join government services. Later part of the plan involved marrying a good girl who would take care of my family. I was struggling with my inhibitions. I was trying to find a way ahead. I wanted to pursue studies in fine arts but hardly had anyone known something that offers art education. I finally learnt about BA course. I enrolled myself for the year course. While I was studying I felt the strong urge to have a partner for both my emotional and physical needs. That was the year I befriended a male college mate. It was more of an emotional relation marked by love and care. Unfortunately, the relation was short lived. He was senior to me and he graduated within a year of meeting me. I was back to my staid life. In the first year of graduation we had to study human anatomy as fine arts. I got hooked to it and soon I was making fine sketches of the male body.

It once happened when I was sketching at home; some elderly people from the village came to me and were aghast to see me drawing nude male body. They left without saying a word. I later found out their reason for disappointment and I was so affected by it that I trashed few of my sketches and hid the rest. I decided to not sketch nudes again as it was a taboo in the society I lived. Slowly and gradually I got interested in studies because that was what I always wanted to do. I started studying more than ever. As a result I secured 72% in my graduation. I silenced my critics as I considered my good grades a victory for myself. I wanted to study further and better my career options. I went to Agra University to pursue M.A.

In spite of excelling at various things I was saddened by my sexual preferences. I decided to change it for good. Somehow I managed to get into a relation with a girl. We spent some quality time like close friends, shared our world but I never told her about my past. The relationship developed and when it was the time to bring it to the level of physical togetherness, I shied away. I couldn’t bring myself to move ahead with it. I deliberately cut myself off with her, ignored her and found myself falling for another guy. That was it. I decided to not manipulate myself and do as I pleased. I graduated to the level of physical intimacy with him.

An accident, that changed something called ‘life’

What happened after that changed my life forever. I was only six months into my master’s course and was returning home when I fell off the train and lost both my legs. I lost everything. I lost all hopes of a normal life, leave aside a comfortable one. I was crippled for life. It was the end of everything. I come from a family of farmers. Earnings were not adequate and then I added to the enormous financial burden. I have a brother who is 11 years younger to me. I and my father were the only earning members. The accident struck my family like a bolt. It took me longer to come to terms with reality. My studies had to be stopped. I was bed ridden for almost one year. But as I mentioned you always find some moments of victorious joys even during most tumultuous times. I got immense help from my faculty and friends in college. They helped me in writing my semester exams. They even gifted me a tri-cycle which made my commutation easier. I came back to my village and got a job in a nearby government school for a princely sum of Rs 1000. I was advised to appear for NET entrance which I cleared in 2000. I regained control over my life.

And then love found me

One year before that I met a person who is my partner now. His name was Krishan Pal Tomar. We became great friends in no time. He used to teach in the same school. We both grew fond of each other. It was an inseparable friendship that we shared. He helped me a lot. What was really strange was that he was not a homosexual like me. I never told him about my sexuality. There was something happening in the background. It was very much like being in love. Just that I had not told him and I thought if I did not tell him it would be cheating on him. So one fine day I just told him what I felt and also what I want from him. He was shocked and confessed that he too loved me but only as a friend. He left that very day only to return after 10 days. I missed him like anything in those 10 days. Once he came back my life became normal. He came back and professed his love for me. With him I realised I should go back to painting, because I wanted to gift him something.

My financial condition was not good so I could not buy those fancy palettes and expensive colour, easel and brushes. I found my strength in the pen. I again started doing life-size paintings with ball pen.

The day destiny struck

I sent a few of my paintings to UP Lalit Kala Academy for participation. Though I could not clear the interview but the head of the interview panel was impressed with my work and gave me his card. Then in 2002 I got a form to participate in the Rajya Lalit Kala Academy. He (the head of the interview panel)advised me to go to Meerut and get copies of my work done. I met a wonderful lady named Dr. Savita Nag, who is now a mother-like figure to me. She helped me a lot with all the form-filling procedures. Those 6 months changed my life forever. I got numerous awards, recognition and prize money for my work. I left my college job in 2003.

We became one

On personal front, I wanted people to know about my relation with my partner. I did not want to go all over the place with the news, so we both devised something really lovely. We both changed our names to Balbir Krishan which is an amalgamation of both our names. We changed our names for all documentation purposes and legitimately adopted the name. We both moved in together in Delhi. I was very happy with everything and I started to work with even more focus. I started to make even bigger paintings on canvas. I got an offer from a gallery in Mumbai. They bought all my small paintings but I was bound by a contract that discouraged me from exhibiting solo.

In 2007, my interest shifted completely towards male nudes. I realised I am independent enough to take my own decisions now and learnt a few things about society too. I was earning well and now had total control over my life. There were no critics around. My partner too got enrolled in the National School of Drama. After spending some time away from family I realised they were way too worried about my well being. I did not want to trouble them with my worries.

I went back to my village to live with my family. I had this option of working in the government school as an intercollegiate teacher.

My war against my inhibitions

Simultaneously I was working on my paintings. In 2005, I had worked on a wide range of series. It included prostitution, tsunami, Mumbai attacks and many more. I was still not at the best of my ability. I wanted to do something different, something that interested me. Fortunately enough, I found an edition of Art and Deal that contained a special write up on 25 paintings that changed the face of Art in India. That included an article on legendary artist Mr. Bhupen Khakhar. I found that much required resonance. I then decided that I would make nudes on Male homosexuals. I again fought my inhibitions and gave my best to the series after several failed attempts. I had earlier tried to tone down the mood of the painting by hiding the part of painting which appeared objectionable. It looked incomplete. I had to struggle a lot with my inner conscience to unveil my original thoughts. I was shying away from erotic work. But my painting would have been rendered incomplete without that essential hint of erotica. The result was something I could not believe. I was booked by two prominent galleries in Delhi.

I fought for my identity

My family came for the exhibition; it was one of the happiest days of my life. On the second day of the exhibition some artists advised me to bring down my paintings. I was hurt because bringing those paintings down meant bringing down my identity. I had taken a little too long to recognise myself. I could not have let it go so easily. I resisted. On the third day of the exhibition I got threat calls from some unknown social group. I contacted Ram Rehmanji, who is a well known activist. He assured me that nothing would go wrong and I should go ahead with my exhibition. Unfortunately, on the last day, I was attacked by a masked hooligan. He hit me from back, I fell on the ground he still would not cease to kick me. He was fully aware of my handicap. He smashed my paintings in order to destroy them. It took me a while to understand what was happening. I was rendered helpless once again. What hurt me more was why would someone try to gag an expression? I am neither a rapist nor a murderer. I am an artist. I was physically hurt too. I went to the police

only to find out that they would not lodge and FIR. I was not given any help or protection. I decided to go back to my home the very next day and cancelled my exhibition at Triveni Kala Academy. I was told by fellow artists and activists who supported me that this would send a wrong signal amongst the art fraternity. I was asked to fight back. The same day TOI covered my story. Next day the cops came to me to lodge the FIR and and even ensured protection.

This was an experience that made me realise a lot many things. I was hurt but not broken and I found out that I have more well wishers than I imagined. Things became easy after that. My respect for my friends and family increased manifolds.

Inspirations

When talking about inspirations, I like Salvador Dali’s work a lot and he inspires me to construct my own sweet little world away from the real world. I also love Michelangelo’s work. When talking about artists in my genre, I appreciate Rameshwar’s work. He is adept at minute blade scratch work. I find similarities between his work and mine.